


Characters Behaving Randomly

by Kyarorain



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Anime)
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-29
Updated: 2009-10-29
Packaged: 2017-10-23 05:09:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 11,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/246597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kyarorain/pseuds/Kyarorain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The characters get up to and say all sorts of things they would never normally do. It's insane and fun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Ash: I will never be a Pokémon Master. I suck too much to ever become a Pokémon Master.

Misty: Damn right you suck. I don't know why I was travelling with you in the first place. Oh yeah, the bike was totally just an excuse because I am actually in love with you, Ash, and I have always been!

Ash: Misty, I have also always been in love with you. My apparent lack of hormones was just a ruse so that you would never realise I was in love with you!

Tracey: Hey, speaking of love, I am actually in love with Professor Oak and have always been.

Ash: Tracey, this is supposed to be stuff we would never say!

Tracey: Huh...?

Professor Oak: Oh, Tracey, I love you too! Let's have an illicit relationship together!

Delia: Oh, bummer. Looks like my days of sleeping with Professor Oak are over.

Brock: I would happily sleep with you, Mrs Ketchum!

Delia: Oh, Brock, that's so kind of you, but I've just remembered who Ash's father is and I'm going to look him up and see if he still likes the idea of rekindling our relationship.

Ash: You know who my father is? Suddenly, I actually want to know who my father is even though I never once thought about it or mentioned it all these years!

Delia: That evil looking guy in the orange suit is.

Giovanni: I am totally not the leader of Team Rocket. Team Rocket sucks and stuff.

Meowth: Giovanni! I love you! I dream about you at night and I want to hump your leg so bad!

Giovanni: No thanks. I'm allergic to cats. I just got rid of that mangy Persian too.

Ash: Uh, are you sure you're not the leader of Team Rocket?

Jessie/James: Oh, hi, boss! Sorry, we still suck.

Giovanni: You're fired!

Jessie/James: Yay! Now we don't have to be repetitive and annoying anymore!

Delia: Hi, Giovanni, remember me?

Giovanni: Eh, I've slept with thousands of women. You don't seriously expect me to remember you?

Ash: The leader of Team Rocket is my father? Then I'll join Team Rocket and do bad stuff! Awesome!

Brock: I've just booked an appointment for an eye transplant. I'm tired of being teased about not having eyes.

Gary: Oh hell, all my cheerleaders are pregnant with my babies.

Misty: You still have them?

Gary: Well, they don't follow me around anymore, but I still see them a lot. What are they going to do, cheer me on while I'm studying fossils?

Brock: Waaaaah! Why can't I have a woman? That's it, Croagunk! I'm getting rid of you! *kicks Croagunk's Poké Ball off a cliff*

Dawn: Hey, guys, I just lost a contest. I'm so happy! ^_^

May: Would you all stop looking at my boobs! I'm a ten year old girl with a bust, so what? GEEZ!

Max: I'm inventing a time travel machine when I'm older. I'm going to come back in time and call myself Conway, and perv on that girl with the short skirt.

Conway: I admit it. I am actually Max FROM THE FUTURE! Bwahahahahaha!

Dawn: Ew! May's little brother is a pervert who stalks me?

Ash: All your Pokémon are belong to me! Hand them over!

Misty: Eh, you can have them all, except Psyduck. I love my Psyduck! Isn't it just so wonderful and amazing and sweet? Hey, is that a Weedle over there? I've just got to catch it!

Brock: All I ever do is sit on my ass and do nothing. I am so pathetic.

Paul: I love weak Pokémon. The cuter they are, the better. Hey, Ash, can we be best friends?

Ash: No, you suck.

Paul: *sobs* You big meanie! *runs away crying*

Dawn: Hey, does anyone think my skirt is too short?

James: I'm so gay. Hey, Brock, I have to tell you that I have always secretly been in love with you!

Brock: Really? Because my flirting with women was just a cover up for my homosexuality! Let's make mad love right now!

Jessie: To hell with Team Rocket. I quit.

James: Oh yeah, I quit too. Screw it all.

Giovanni: Eh, I'm tired of running Team Rocket. You do it instead, Ash.

Ash: Alright, I'm going to steal powerful Pokémon and take over the world! Muahahahahaha!

Delia: Ash is all grown up now. I'm so proud of him!

Professor Oak: That's it, Ash, good luck with taking over the world!

Tracey: Isn't my name like the lamest pun ever?

Pikachu: Ash, you are a complete idiot and I'm sorry I've bothered fighting with you for all this time. I am so out of here. That whole speaking my name thing is getting really tiring, so I learned to talk for no real reason. Deal with it.


	2. Chapter 2

Jessie: Oh, James, I need a strong man to protect me. I'm so glad I have you.

James: Don't worry, Jessie, I am so manly and brave, you can count on me. The very idea of wearing women's clothes disgusts me.

Jessie: Eek! It's a robber with a knife! Oh no! I'm so scared! Please save me, James! *faints*

James: *kicks the knifed robber's ass* Oh yeah, I'm so awesome. I'm not afraid of anything. Not even my psychotic fiancée.

Jessiebelle: James, let's get married!

James: I would love to! *goes off and marries Jessiebelle*

Jessie: Oh no, my beloved James has left me. I have no reason to live anymore. *weeps*

Meowth: Up yours, Giovanni!

Giovanni: Whatever, I'm off to my ballet lesson now. *is wearing pink tutu* Ta ta.

Meowth: I want a trainer... ;_;

Butch: Ribbit, ribbit. Croak.

Cassidy: OMG lyk, Jessie, can we be bff 4eva?

Jessie: I would, but I'm currently planning ways to kill myself because my beloved James left me.

Domino: I'm Agent 009, the Black Dahlia! No, wait... was it Rose? Daffodil? Dandelion? Guys, I forgot what my code name was. D=

Vicious: *is wearing a teddy bear costume* I WANT A HUG!

Domino: I'll give you a hug if you can remind me what my code name is.

Vicious: Um... wasn't it Tulip?

Domino: Oh yeah! You're so awesome! Thanks so much for reminding me~! *hugs Vicious*

Vicious: Check out my teddybear dance! *dances*

Bashou: Gosh, what's with my horrible hair? I'm so suing my barber.

Buson: I like candy! I want candy! Candy is so great!

Tyson: Do I look like I could be Gary's father and Professor Oak's son or what? It's so weird. No, I'm not the Tyson from the Hoenn League. I came first anyway! Stupid jerk stole my name. Hmph.

Wendy: Jessie, I'm so sorry I charged you for that juice. Here, have a crateful of juice I paid for myself!

Jessie: Forget it. Juice cannot take away the pain of my beloved James leaving me...

James: Geez, Jessie, get the hell over it already, you crazy woman.

Jessie: BUT JAMES!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!! I MUST KILL THE ONE YOU LOVE! *attempts to kill Jessiebelle and ends up getting locked away in a mental asylum*

James: Good riddance. I can't believe I ever hung out with that nutcase. Jessiebelle, I love you!

Meowth: Somebody catch me already! ;_;

Butch: Jessie and James are so much cooler than we are. *sigh*

Cassidy: *sobs* Jessie's gone... now I have nobody to talk to. ;-; I'm so lonely.

Giovanni: You are all a bunch of pathetic losers! Now get out there and teach people how to dance the Macarena before I fire you all!


	3. Chapter 3

Narrator: You know, I've been in every episode. At least, I've spoken in every episode. And nobody cares about me or even knows I exist. It's just so unfair, I tell you.

Ash: Aw, quit whining, narrator guy, and just tell everyone what we're doing already.

Misty: Who are you talking to, Ash?

Brock: He's going crazy, isn't he? I knew it would happen one of these days.

Narrator: Fine. Ash, Misty and Brock are currently on their way to some completely random town we've never even heard of and will spend their time pissing about and doing nothing and maybe even meeting a character of the day- oh, wait, here he is.

Character of the Day: Hi! I'm the Character of the Day!

Ash: Damn. And I was hoping to actually get somewhere today.

Misty: Why can't we just tell the Character of the Day to piss off for once?

Brock: Because then they wouldn't be the Character of the Day, Misty...

Character of the Day: My name is Tommy and this is my Rattata!

Ash: Wow. We really care. Not.

Tommy: Can I come with you?

Ash/Misty: NO.

Brock: I don't see why not. We'll just let him come with us to the town we're currently going to.

Tommy: Yay!

Ash/Misty: *throwing death glares at Brock*

*Ash, Misty, Brock and the Character of the Day resume walking to wherever they are going*

Tommy: My mommy says that I'm the most special person in the world and everybody loves me because I'm so amazing and special and crap. Do you want to know about how I got my Rattata? I saw it being picked on by wild Pokémon once and I rushed in there to save it, and ever since, we've been the best of friends! Isn't that just so incredible, guys?

Ash/Misty: Yawn.

Brock: That's a very interesting story, Tommy. Have you got anything else to tell us?

Tommy: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah nobody gives a damn what I'm talking about anyway because I'm just a lame Character of the Day blah blah blah...

Brock: Wow, that's amazing. As my role of most useless main character, it is my duty to listen attentively to everything you have to say because clearly I have nothing better to do, like contributing to the episode's paper thin plot. Sending out a Pokémon to join in battle? Unthinkable! I'm just here to make sure Ash and Misty don't starve to death.

Misty: That's funny, we were just fine on the Orange Islands.

Ash: Though all we ever seemed to eat was fruit...

Misty: Yeah, that's true.

Jessie: PREPARE FOR TROUBLE~!

James: AND MAKE IT DOUBLE~!

Ash: Oh, hi, Team Rocket.

Misty: Well, look who it is. Our favourite stalkers...

Jessie: We're too lazy to say the motto today.

James: So we'll just get straight to the action.

Meowth: Prepare yourselves, twerps!

*Team Rocket produces a machine out of nowhere which extends a giant vice, grabbing the Character of the Day*

Tommy: Help meeeeeeee!

Ash: They must be after Tommy's Rattata!

Misty: Seriously, a Rattata? They are getting desperate, aren't they?

Ash: You're forgetting that they once tried to steal a bunch of Magikarp.

Misty: Oh yeah...

Meowth: Stealing Rattata? Don't be ridiculous!

Jessie: We've got something even bigger in store.

James: Twerp, this is the day when you'll have to make the biggest choice ever.

Ash: Um, okay... what is it?

Jessie: If you don't give us Pikachu, then...

James: We'll kill the Character of the Day!

*Team Rocket laughs maniacally*

Meowth: Well, twerp? What will you choose?

Ash: Are you freaking kidding me?

Jessie/James/Meowth: Huh?

Ash: You expect me to give up my best friend and my first ever Pokémon for some STRANGER I just met!?

Jessie/James/Meowth: ...

Ash: Let's go, guys.

Misty: Okay...

Brock: But what about the Character of the Day?

Ash/Misty: Who?

Brock: ... Never mind.

*Ash, Misty and Brock walk off, leaving Team Rocket stunned*

Tommy: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Jessie: Aw, hell. We suck so bad.

James: Let's just give up and quit trying to steal Pikachu.

Meowth: Sure, why not?

*Team Rocket dumps the crying Character of the Day in a ditch and leaves*

James: Jessie, now that we've quit Team Rocket... there's something I have to tell you...

Jessie: Oh, James!

James: I love you, Jessie!

Jessie: I love you too, James!

Meowth: *watches Jessie and James melt into a passionate embrace and heavily vomits* Gross.


	4. Chapter 4

Ash: Gah... I'm so bored.

May: Me too...

Brock: Hey, want to try some of my drugs?

Max: You do drugs?

Brock: Sure. I just stole them out of my father's secret stash before I left home.

Ash: Cool! I want to try some!

May: Me too!

Max: That is ridiculous. I would not do something that could end up killing me or causing me to go crazy, so I will pass.

May: You are so boring, Max.

Ash: Boo! *throws a rotten tomato at Max*

Max: ... ... *runs away crying*

May: Yeah, run away, loser! Eh, he'll be back later.

*Growls and Max's screams are suddenly heard in the distance. The screams die down a few minutes later. Nobody seems to care.*

Ash: So, how about those drugs then?

May: Gimme, gimme!

Brock: Calm down, kids. Here you go. *passes around drugs*

*Everyone eats the drugs and waits for a short while.*

Ash: Look, look! I see flying Phanpy in the sky!

May: I'm a little teapot, this is my handle and this is my spout...

Brock: NURSE JOY!!! *is frantically humping a tree*

Ash: Wait, flying Phanpy! Don't go! *tries to run after them and falls flat on face* Noooooo!

May: *does a handstand* Whee!

Ash: *is crying over the Phanpy that have now 'gone'*

Brock: Huh, Officer Jenny? I could have sworn you were Nurse Joy a second ago- oh, who cares? OFFICER JENNY!!! *resumes humping*

May: Hey, my boobs are huge!

Ash: *picks up Pikachu and turns it upside down* Huh, what's this? *pulls on Pikachu's tail*

Pikachu: PIKAAAA! *shocks the crap out of Ash*

Ash: ;_; Mommy!

Pikachu: *walks away in a huff*

Ash: *takes out his Pokédex and points it at a rock* What's that?

Pokédex: That is called a rock, you complete and utter imbecile.

Ash: Imbecile? Is that a new Pokémon?

Pokédex: NO.

Ash: ... well, is that a Pokémon? *points the Pokédex at Brock*

Brock: OH YEAH, MRS KETCHUM!!!

Ash: ... Is the tree my mom?

Pokédex: That's it. I can't put up with your stupidity anymore.

Ash: Huh?

Pokédex: You have pissed me off for the last time.

Ash: Um... maybe I should put you away now.

Pokédex: Sorry, Ash. I'm afraid I can't let you do that.

Ash: What, why? D=

May: Wheeeeee! *is running in circles*

Brock: *is suddenly screaming and curling up while shaking in fear* Nooooo! Stay away from me, Professor Ivy!

Pokédex: Because I'm going to completely and utterly destroy you. *inexplicably transforms into a ten foot tall red mecha*

Ash: Um... should I start running now?

Pokédex Mecha: *aims missiles*

Ash: O_O AAAAHHHH! *starts running as missiles explode behind him* Pikachuuuuu! Heeellllp!

Pikachu: *is too pissed off to care*

May: Huh? I didn't know Pokédexes could do that.

Brock: *stares at tree* Huh? It was a tree all along?

Ash: Save me! *runs past the tree*

Pokédex Mecha: Muahahahaha! You can't get away from me! *gives chase, crushing tree in process*

Brock: What the hell? That's it, I'm never using these drugs again.

May: If this really isn't a drug induced hallucination, I'd better help him somehow.

Ash: Pikachu, why won't you help me? ;_;

Pokédex Mecha: Nobody can help you now! *shoots out a ton of thick wires that wrap around Ash's body and lift him up into the air*

Ash: D= I don't want to die.

Pokédex Mecha: It's no use begging for your life. *tightens wires*

Ash: Ack... I can't breathe... D= Help?

May: Hmm... *approaches mecha from behind* Hey, that looks a lot like the battery panel. *pries off the lid*

Pokédex Mecha: H-hey, what are you doing?!

May: And this must be the battery. ^_^ *pulls it out*

Pokédex Mecha: Noooooooo! *shuts down and shrinks back to normal size. Wires disappear and Ash hits the ground.*

Ash: Oof... I'm so going to sue Professor Oak...

Zombie Max: Braaaaaiiiiins...

Brock: Wow. These drugs are really crazy...

May: Holy crap! It's Max as a zombie!

Ash: Run for it!

*Ash and May (and Pikachu) run away screaming while Brock stares at the zombie with a bewildered expression*

Brock: I mean it. I'm never using them again.

Max: *bites down on Brock's head*

Brock: Ow! Hey, are illusions supposed to hurt?

Max: NOM NOM NOM.


	5. Chapter 5

Ash: Hey, Gary...

Gary: What is it?

Ash: You remember that passionate night we had... um, five months ago?

Gary: ... Yeah...

Ash: And you know how I've been putting on weight and wanting to eat weird food?

Gary: You've been putting on weight?

Ash: Misty made me take a pregnancy test.

Gary: She did what?! Why would she do that?

Ash: Well, that's how people find out if they are pregnant, right?

Gary: You're not a woman!

Ash: But, Gary, I'm pregnant.

Gary: ... Right.

Ash: We're going to have a baby, Gary! =D

Gary: Misty!

Misty: *comes in* What's the matter?

Gary: Ash said you made him take a pregnancy test and he's pregnant!

Misty: Oh, I know! Isn't it just the coolest thing ever? Ash, can I be the godmother? Please say yes!

Gary: Forget it. I'm going to buy some Tylenol. *leaves*

Ash: Gary, don't leave me! ;_; Why can't he accept that I'm pregnant?

Misty: I have no idea. So, can I be godmother?

Ash: Yeah, sure...

*Gary is on the way to the pharmacy and bumps into Brock, who has his nose buried deep in a porn magazine*

Gary: Oh, for the love of God, Brock! Don't read that kind of stuff out in the street!

Brock: But I just couldn't wait to look inside. I heard that they had a naked centrefold in it this month.

Gary: I really, really don't want to know.

Brock: Whatever. *flips magazine open to center and sees Professor Ivy* AUUUUUUUGHHHH NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! *falls to ground crying like a baby*

Gary: Is everybody totally insane? *runs to pharmacy in disgust, only to see that it's chaotic inside*

May: WHEEEEEEE!!! *is running around with a goofy grin on her face*

Max: I love Prozac! =D

Gary: ...

Max: Hey, do you want Prozac? ^_^

Gary: ... No.

May: You're a poopiepants! Prozac rules! ^_^

Gary: *sigh* I'm never taking Prozac, ever. *makes his way to the counter and sees Norman* Aren't you a gym leader?

Norman: Eh, I got bored of being a gym leader and my wife left me because I had an affair with Nurse Joy, so I moved down here with my kids and opened this pharmacy.

Gary: You let them take whatever drugs they want?

Norman: Hey, they need that Prozac after my wife and I separated. It really hit them hard.

Gary: Whatever, just give me the damn Tylenol. Ash thinks he's pregnant.

Norman: Oh, really? Well, tell him I said congratulations. *hands over Tylenol*

Gary: *takes deep breath* MALES CAN'T GET PREGNANT!!! *gasps for breath and downs bottle of Tylenol, then runs out of pharmacy screaming*

May: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands! *claps*

Max: Awooga! Awooga! *trips and falls on face* Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Gary: *returns home to see Misty talking to Ash's belly* ... Oh, for Mew's sake.

Ash: Gary, come and talk to the baby!

Misty: It just kicked! I felt it!

Gary: *screams again and leaves, running all the way to the lab where he bumps into Tracey*

Tracey: Oh, Gary, hi.

Gary: Please tell me I'm not the only sane one left. PLEASE.

Tracey: I don't know what you're talking about, but I've just found out some incredible news.

Gary: It had better not be about Ash being "pregnant".

Tracey: Oh no, it's not about Ash. It's me.

Gary: Bwuh?

Tracey: How do you feel about having a new baby uncle in the next few months? =D

Gary: U-uncle? Wait... you mean... no... you... he... AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!! *has a seizure*

Tracey: ^_^ I'm so happy~! *walks away*

*Later on, back at Ash's place, he and Misty are watching the news.*

News reporter: And now we bring you some news of a suicide that happened a short while ago. Gary Oak was seen screaming and jumping from a bridge into the swirling rapids far below. His body has yet to be found, but it is very unlikely that he survived.

Ash: Oh no! Gary killed himself! ;_; I wonder if he was so upset by the fact he hardly appears in the anime anymore...

Misty: Gary hardly appears anymore? What about ME? He's had three episodes since I last appeared!

Ash: And I'm all alone with my baby now! Wahhh!

Misty: There, there, Ash. Would you like me to go and get you some cookie dough ice cream?

Ash: *sniff* Okay.


	6. Chapter 6

Ash: Geez... I'm bored. I wish that something would happen.

*Suddenly, a Celebi poofs out of nowhere, dragging along a boy with him*

Misty: What the heck?

Brock: Hey, that boy looks familiar.

Ash: *gasp* Sammy, is that you?

Sammy: Ash! I finally found you!

Ash: Huh?

Sammy: I couldn't stop thinking about you, so much that I decided to travel through time again to be with you. I don't even feel like going back to my time.

Misty: Are you crazy? You'll screw up the space time continuum!

Brock: Get back to your own time, you lunatic!

Ash: Um... gosh, that's nice, Sammy... but why?

Sammy: Ash... I love you. Please tell me you love me back.

Ash: Eh?

Sammy: I can't contain my feelings toward you! *grabs Ash in a passionate embrace and kisses him*

Misty: O_O

Brock: O_O

Pikachu: O_O Pika?

Ash: @_@

*Suddenly, Gary comes out of nowhere with a pistol*

Gary: Back off of Ash right now.

Sammy: Eh? Who are you?

Gary: I saw him first!

Ash: Gary? What's going on? I'm so confused.

Misty: Does Gary have feelings for Ash too?

Brock: Whatever. I'm just going to sit here and daydream about naked Officer Jenny. *sits*

Sammy: Yeah well, Ash is mine!

Gary: No, he's mine!

Sammy: Ash loves me! Right, Ash?

Ash: Misty, save me!

Misty: Sorry, I am too busy being amused by your predicament.

Gary: Fine. I'll just have to get rid of you then. *shoots Sammy*

Sammy: Ack... blargh... *collapses*

Ash: Gary! Why did you do that?

Gary: I'm the only one for you, Ash! And nobody else will get in my way!

Sammy: *dies*

Ash: Wow, Gary, I had no idea you... *blinks* Gary? Gary! Where did you go?

Misty: Did Gary just disappear?

Ash: ... Wow, I didn't know he could do that... did you see that, Pikachu? Pikachu? Oh no! Pikachu's disappeared as well!

Misty: o_0

Ash: Misty, what's going on?

Misty: I'm sorry, do I know you?

Ash: Oh hah hah, very funny, Misty. Something weird is going on!

Misty: How did I get here? Oh well. *gets on bike and cycles off*

Ash: Where did that bike come from? Hey, come back! *looks at Brock* Brock!

Brock: I don't know why I'm here either. Who the heck are you?

Ash: If this is an idea of a joke, then it's not very funny. Pikachu! *runs off*

Brock: What a strange kid...

*Ash eventually stumbles upon Jessie, James and Meowth who are sitting around and doing nothing*

Ash: Team Rocket!

Jessie: Yeah? What do you want?

James: Do we know you?

Ash: You took Pikachu, didn't you?

Meowth: Pikachu? What would we want with some common rat?

*Team Rocket bursts out laughing at the idea*

Ash: Oh my god, what's going on? Nobody seems to remember who I am and Pikachu is missing and so is... uh... did someone else disappear? What's happening to me? *screams and runs back home*

Delia: Welcome back, Ash! Where did you go?

Ash: What do you mean? I was just on my Pokémon journey... wasn't I?

Delia: I have no idea what you're talking about. ^_^

Ash: You've got to be kidding me... maybe I should go and talk to Professor Oak.

Delia: Professor Oak? Who's that?

Ash: ... I don't know. I'm hungry, can I have something to eat?


	7. Chapter 7

*Ash, Misty and Brock are walking around aimlessly, possibly planning to reach the next city in the next ten years. Maybe.*

Togepi: BWEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE GWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Misty: Isn't my sweet little Togepi just so adorable? ^o^

Ash: Hell, no.

Brock: I'd love to fry that thing sometime.

Ash: Mmm... Togepi omelette...

Misty: Actually, I am pretty hungry... *bites into Togepi and grimaces* Hey, it doesn't taste like egg at all.

*A Team Rocket helicopter suddenly comes down and Giovanni steps out*

Giovanni: At last I have found you...

Ash: Who the heck are you?

Giovanni: Team Rocket's boss. And I have come to dye your hair purple.

Ash/Misty/Brock: *gasp*

Giovanni: *pulls a gun out of his pocket* Mwehehehehehe... this is what you deserve for messing with Team Rocket. Now prepare to have your hair dyed purple!

Misty: Oh no! I don't want my hair dyed purple! D=

Ash: None of us want our hair dyed purple! Pikachu, Thunderbolt!

Pikachu: *zaps the crap out of Giovanni*

Giovanni: Ack... *collapses and watches Ash and co. run away* I swear to this... I WILL DYE YOUR HAIR PURPLE ONE DAY! *shakes fist*

*Ash and company stops somewhere far away and sits down for a rest*

Ash: Whew... that was close. We almost got our hair dyed purple. *shudder*

Misty: What a mean guy... Team Rocket is very cruel.

Brock: Hey, look, a Pokémon Center just sitting in the middle of nowhere! *points*

Ash: Huh... how come we didn't see it a moment ago? Oh well... I might as well go call that old guy who wears a labcoat. I don't think I'll bother calling my own mother... how often do I call her, once a month?

*Everyone goes into the Pokémon Center.*

Brock: NURSE JOY! I WANT US TO HAVE SEX! *rushes to counter to see a very masculine looking Joy* Eh?! Nurse Joy?

Joy: *speaking in deep voice* Hey, I never even asked to be a woman, okay? Don't look at me like that. Ever since I had that sex change operation, everyone keeps giving me weird looks. I should just quit this lousy job.

Ash: *on phone* Hi, Professor Oak!

Professor Oak: Sigh... whatever it is you have to say, make it quick, because I have to go upstairs in a minute for a threesome with your mom and Tracey.

Ash: ... ... ... Threesome? What's that?

Professor Oak: It's when three people have sex. Do you even know what that is? Oh, hell, I'm not explaining it to you. Go ask that freak who hasn't got any eyes. *hangs up*

Ash: o.o ... I'm not sure I want to know.

Brock: You done? Great, I'm calling my family now. *pushes Ash aside and calls home*

Flint: Oh hello, Brock. I've just smoked an entire joint and I feel great~! Oh, guess what, your mother came by for a visit.

Lola: *staggers into room* Braaaaaaaiiiiiiins... *lurches towards Flint*

Flint: Oh, sweet Mew! No! Stay away, you creepy zombie thing! Nooooooo!

Brock: *hangs up* What the hell was that?!

Ash: Brock, what is sex?

Brock: I'm sorry, but I can't tell you, because your mother would probably dye my hair purple if I told you.

Misty: Not if I dyed your hair purple first.

Brock: See?

Ash: Aw, man...

Giovanni: *bursts into Pokémon Center with an SMG and a troop of Team Rocket goons behind him, all hoisting rocket launchers* There you are! Now we're all going to dye your hair purple. Any last words?

Togepi: *uses Metronome and blows Team Rocket up somehow* MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD AND DYE EVERYBODY'S HAIR PURPLE!!!!!

Misty: Wh-what did you say, Togepi?

Togepi: Togepi~! ^_^

Misty: Oh, I guess I was just imagining it after all. ^^'

Ghost of Dr. Fuji: I got my hair dyed purple in the first movie. It totally sucked.

Ash/Misty/Brock: AAAAHHH, A GHOST!!! *they all run out of the Pokémon Center screaming*

Joy: What is all this hair being dyed purple nonsense? *sits down in front of computer and browses* No! My favourite anime got picked up by 4Kids! Nooooooooo! *commits hara-kiri out of despair*


	8. Chapter 8

Dawn: You know what's totally lame? The phrase "no need to worry". It's so, so lame.

Piplup: Piplup, pip!

Dawn: Piplup, what the heck are you doing out of your Poké Ball? Get back inside!

Brock: Guys, I feel like actually doing something useful. Any suggestions?

Ash: Huh? Dawn, did you hear something?

Dawn: No, I don't think so.

Brock: Hey! Stop ignoring me!

Ash: I thought I heard it again...

Dawn: Hmm... it's probably just the wind.

Brock: I don't know why I bother babysitting you. All you ever do is pretend I don't exist.

Misty: Hello~! I came all the way over to Sinnoh to appease the whining fans who want me to reappear on the show~!

Ash: Huh? Morrison, why did you lose weight and have a sex change operation?

Brock: That's Misty, you idiot!

Misty: *sniff* Ash... have you... really forgotten me?

Ash: Misty, Misty, Misty... isn't that from a song?

Dawn: Oh, geez. *facepalm*

Misty: I can't believe this... I came all the way here to tell you how I really felt about you... every day I've been thinking about you like some obsessed nutcase who has nothing better to do than fawn over a clueless kid who only loves his rat... and you've forgotten me?

Brock: You know how terrible his memory is. Is it really surprising?

Ash: Hey, what's that Pokémon? *points at Pikachu*

Misty: I... I loved you... and now that you've forgotten me... every night I would lie awake with a life sized model... and kiss your picture goodnight... and sing to the stars about my love for you... and I even wrote love letters that I never sent... and you forgot me...

Ash: I'm hungry.

Misty: I don't know why I ever had feelings for you! You are a complete moron! You are the most moronic moron ever!

Dawn: I don't think he's listening to you. Hey, want to see my cute and adorable Pokémon? *sends them out for no reason*

Misty: Oh, that's such a darling Buneary. *picks it up* May I just borrow it for a minute?

Dawn: Uh... *watches her run off with Buneary* ... Okay?

Ash: I want food.

Brock: Ash, have you been paying attention to anything at all in the past five minutes?

Ash: Um... somebody who looked like Morrison came and was saying weird stuff and, er...

Dawn: I wonder why she wanted Buneary...

Brock: Sigh... I'll start making lunch...

*Half an hour later...*

Misty: I'm back!

Dawn: You were gone a while. Where's Buneary?

Misty: *drops a burned carcass* Right here! I boiled this bunny all for you, Ash! I did it to show you how much I loved you! GWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Dawn: AAH! Buneary! ... Oh, who cares? I only give a crap about my dear Piplup anyway. All my other Pokémon can go screw themselves.

Brock: Look what you did, Ash. You turned Misty into an insane bunny boiler...

Ash: I don't understand. How does boiling bunnies prove she loves me?

*Suddenly, out of nowhere, Oak's laboratory falls down and lands on top of Misty*

Tracey: *peeks out* Oh dear. I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

Professor Oak: We were never in Kansas, you twit!

Ash: Uh... hi?

Dawn: Seriously, when was the last time I ever actually used Pachirisu or Buneary? I'm surprised I still remember they exist.

Brock: Yeah... hey, didn't I have a Pokémon shaped like a tree? I can't remember the last time I saw it.

Dawn: Neglecting Pokémon is so fun!

Brock: Hear, hear!

Ash: You people are crazy...


	9. Chapter 9

Brock: That's it! I can't hold it in anymore!

Dawn: Huh? What's wrong, Brock?

Ash: Are you okay?

Brock: Ash... my constant flirting with women is just a cover up for my sexual feelings for you!

Ash: Wow, that's awesome, because I have sexual feelings for you too!

Dawn: Oh my gosh! Can I take pictures of you two having sex? Yaoi is so hot!

Pikachu: Back off! Ash is mine!

Ash: Holy crap, Pikachu can talk?

Brock: Uh... you are a three foot tall yellow rat.

Pikachu: &$%# YOU! *shocks the crap out of Brock*

Dawn: Aw, but people won't want to see a boy having sex with his rat on Myspace.

Ash: Myspace? Isn't that for emos?

Jessie: Has anyone seen James or Meowth?

Brock: Uh... I think I saw them go that way earlier. We didn't pay them any attention for some reason.

Jessie: Okay, thanks... *leaves* ... HOLY CRAP!!!!!

Dawn: What was that?

*Ash, Dawn and Brock run after Jessie and find her standing over James and Meowth*

Meowth: Um... we didn't think you would want to watch lesbian porn with us.

James: Yeah, so we kept it a secret.

Dawn: Oh! Isn't that Zoey and Candice? THAT BITCH! SHE'S CHEATING ON ME!

James: By the way, we never realised you did a lesbian porn video with Cassidy.

Jessie: ... Yeah, well, that was a long time ago.

Dawn: I am going to kill that bitch. *leaves*

Brock: Man, this lesbian porn video is hot. *sits down and eats popcorn*

Ash: Eh, I don't see what the big deal is.

Jessie: Yeah, you're probably just gay. Now hand over your Pikachu.

Ash: What? No way!

Jessie: *points a gun at his head* Hand over the Pikachu or die.

Ash: Eep! *hands Pikachu over and runs away in fear*

Jessie: Hey, I got Pikachu! James, Meowth, let's hurry and go and give it to the boss.

James: Oh, geez. I'm so tired of this Team Rocket crap. In fact, I quit. I'm going to become a gay porn star instead.

Brock: Awesome! I'd like to do that too!

James: Let's go and start right now!

*James and Brock dance off hand in hand into the distance and disappear*

Meowth: I'm quitting Team Rocket too. Giovanni is a complete loser. *leaves*

Jessie: So... what the heck am I supposed to do with this Pikachu?

Pikachu: YOU SUCK. *evolves into Armageddochu (which is basically a twenty foot tall evil looking Pikachu) and eats her whole* ... WTF is an Armageddochu?!

Ash: *comes back* HOLY CRAP. WTF is that? *takes out Pokédex*

Pokédex: This isn't even a real Pokémon. It's just the ridiculous invention of someone who is apparently on crack.

Armageddochu: Oh, whatever. I'm a take over the world now. *takes over world*

Ash: No! Bad Armageddochu! Get inside your Poké Ball right now!

Dawn: Ash! Can't you see it's just having fun?

Ash: I thought you went to kill Zoey?

Dawn: Oh, I just hired a hitman to go and do it.

Ash: Gee, I'm bored. Why did Brock have to leave?

Paul: LOL. You are so pathetic.

Ash: *gasp* Paul! I love you! Please have sex with me!

Paul: What... but we're too you... oh, right, this isn't supposed to make any sense. Whatever. Let's have sex.

Dawn: *tapes Ash and Paul having sex*

Jun: OMFG. Ash. I can't believe you had sex with Paul before I did! *runs away crying*

Ash: ... That was random.

Dark Ash (from the first Movie 13 trailer): LOL. I look like Ash, but I'm EVIL and have a DEEP VOICE. WTF is up with that?

Paul: Alright! A less pathetic Ash! *jumps on Dark Ash and starts doing him*

Dark Ash: Uh, dude, you could have asked first...

Ash: D= *sob* Paul, how could you cheat on me with my evil twin? Or maybe he's my evil future self, or a clone, or a... hell, I don't know. The movie's not even out yet!

Dark Ash: Aw, stop your crying. You can do me when he's done.

Dawn: @.o *nosebleed* I want to see that so bad...

Ash: D= You are both sick &$%#s. ... Oh, what the hell, fine.


	10. Chapter 10

pkmnmasta: hey guize wats up?

tomboymermaid: The sky, duh.

pkmnmasta: hah hah vert funny

joyandjennyluvr: I'm looking to hook up with a hot chick.

geniuskid: In a chatroom? Seriously?

pkmnmasta: Huh? U mean u want 2 catch a Torchic?

noodlesrule: LOL. I don't think that's what he meant.

ribbons4tw: I lost a contest today. :( I'm so sad.

noodlesrule: Cheer up. I'm sure you'll win one sooner or later.

joyandjennyluvr: So, are there any single beauties around?

cactusfreak: Hey, I'm single and beautiful.

joyandjennyluvr: Really?! Shall we private chat now?

cactusfreak: However, I have a penis. Is that a problem?

joyandjennyluvr: ...

noodlesrule: You don't need to be so crude.

ilovepaul: HEY GUYS. A/S/L?!?! I'M 11/M/Sinnoh. You?

tomboymermaid: Did you seriously use A/S/L? I think I'm going to puke.

ilovepaul: You're mean! =(

pkmnmasta: Dude, how can u love Paul? He's like, such a jerk.

ilovepaul: That is soooo not true! He's totally awesome!

sketchmaster: Hey, I finished building my Professor Oak shrine! Anyone wanna see?

ribbons4tw: OMG I love Professor Oak's poetry. Do you have his poetry up there?

tomboymermaid: Don't you have better things to do?

joyandjennyluvr: Oh cool, I got an email that says they can enlarge my penis. Maybe I should check it out.

geniuskid: Dude, I'm too young to be hearing this rubbish. Take it somewhere else!

tomboymermaid: Go ahead. You deserve the virus.

joyandjennyluvr: But wait, this is the Pokémon Center's computer. I don't want to upset Nurse Joy. :(

tomboymermaid: Whatever. Just don't bring that crap up in here again.

pkmnmasta: I don't understnad. Why does he want it 2 be bigger?

cactusfreak: OH MY GOD.

bottlecapcollector: LOL. Retard.

pkmnmasta: Hey, don't call me retard, u jerk!

sketchmaster: Uh... if anybody wants to check my site, it's www professoroakshrine com. Please check it out and sign the guestbook! :)

jessalina: What on earth does anybody see in that old fart?

tomboymermaid: Dunno, but he's totally screwing someone's mother.

pkmnmasta: Eh, whose mother?

ribbons4tw: Wow, your Professor Oak shrine is very interesting. Good job.

sketchmaster: Thanks!

noodlesrule: Gee, I'm so hungry... where's the nearest restaurant?

cactusfreak: Is anyone here a hot, gay guy?

bottlecapcollector: Hey, I'm gay and I'm a guy! And I'm hot too!

cactusfreak: Great! Let's go to private chat. ^_-

joyandjennyluvr: Sob... why are there no hot and single women here?

weakpkmnfail: 7H12 ch47RoOM 12 5O p47H371C!

tomboymermaid: Uh, please type normally.

weakpkmnfail: uh, N0. 1 pH33L l1k3 p1551n' J00 4Ll 0ff. L0L!

paullover: I wish I could type like that, it looks so cool!

pkmnmasta: I can't even read it...

weakpkmnfail: d00D, wh@ 73H h3Ll 1z up w17 J00r U53rn4m3, "p4u110v3r"? R J00 94y 0R 50M37H1n9? Wh@ 4 PHR34K!

tomboymermaid: I wish this chatroom had a moderator.

sketchmaster: Hey, who's flooding the guestbook with obscene messages and porn links?

paullover: It's because I love Paul, who is so awesome and is the best ever!!!

weakpmnfail: U r 51ck. 574Y 4w4y fr0M m3h, u cR33py 574lk3R, 0R 1 5w34R 1'lL Hun7 u d0Wn 4ND Fr4g U.

paullover: Huh? Are you Paul?

ribbons4tw: You're busted!

pkmnmasta: Uh, I thought it was totally obvious from the username.

ribbons4tw: Well, Paul might not be the only one who thinks weak Pokémon fail...

weakpkmnfail: j00 4r3 4ll 4 bUNcH 0f 54D 4nD p47h371C l053r5 4nd 1 d0'N7 k4R3 1F j00 kn0W WH0 1 M. D0'n7 J00 4Ll H4v3 B3773r 7h1n95 70 d0 7H4N H4N91n' 0u7 1n 50m3 L4m3 4Nd p4th3T1C ch47r00m?

geniuskid: Uh, don't YOU have something better to do than "hanging out in some lame and pathetic chatroom"?

joyandjennyluvr: Your hypocrisy is appalling.

weakpkmnfail: 5cR3W j00 aLl. 1 KaN D0 WHA7 7h3 H3LL 1 l1k3, pHA9Z. l0L. j00 aR3n'7 93771N' R1d 0F M3H!

pkmnmasta: How does he manage to keep typing like that?

tomboymermaid: I think he's using a translator.

sketchmaster: Oh my god. Who the hell posted that picture of Professor Oak naked in my guestbook and where did they get it?

weakpkmnfail: Why, R JoO hOp1n' Th@ tHEre'5 moRE wHEn 1t Kame froM? lOl. 1 8ET JOO'rE jAck1n' OFf To 1t r1Ght Now.

geniuskid: That's it. I'm leaving.

*genuiskid has left the chatroom*

ribbons4tw: Me too. I've got better things to do than listen to this rubbish.

*ribbons4tw has left the chatroom*

pkmnmasta: Wut does "jack1n ofF" mean?

weakpkmnfail: HaHahAHahAhA u r 5Uch a 1D1o7 HahAhaHA wha7 a lo53r lOl AnYwAY 1 837 5k37CHmA573R 12 9o1N' 7O haV3 7o 8Uy a N3w K3y8OaRd 5OoN m 1 R19h7?

sketchmaster: ...

*sketchmaster has left the chatroom*

pkmnmasta: ... Paul, will u just stop it. Why do u have to be so nasty 2 every1?

noodlesrule: I'm going to lunch before I lose my appetite.

*noodlesrule has left the chatroom*

tomboymermaid: I'm leaving too. I think someone's going to need some comforting.

*tomboymermaid has left the chatroom*

weakpkmnfail: aWW I2 7OM8oyM3rmaId PH33LIN9 5ORRY phOr 5k37cHma573R? i 837 73h 7Wo OF 7h3m R 9OIn9 7O 5I7 In a 7r33 aND kI55. H3'lL pRo8a8lY 83 7hiNkIn9 oF pr0f3550r 04k 73H WhOL3 7Im3 loL!

jessalina: Ahh, this is a waste of time. I'm going to plot... stuff.

bottlecapcollector: Uh, yeah, me too. I swear it has nothing to do with stealing Pokémon.

*jessalina has left the chatroom*

*bottlecapcollector has left the chatroom*

cactusfreak: Aww, I was enjoying talking to that guy. I hope we meet again. Anyway, I'm out. Bye, dears!

*cactusfreak has left the chatroom*

joyandjennyluvr: Wow, this place sure has become quiet.

pkmnmasta: It's all ur fault, Paul, why did u have 2 ruin it?

weakpkmnfail: 0h p00R b4By why D0'n7 j00 jU57 CRY Meh 4 R1VER 4ND 9E7 0vEr 17? 4NYW4y, 5H0UlD'n7 J00 bE 7R41N1N' 0R 50me7H1N'. n0 W0nDer j00 kEep l051n' l1ke EvERY 51n9le b477le. j00 p47hE71C L05eR.

paullover: I refuse to believe this is Paul! It must be an imposter!

weakpkmnfail: l0L wHa73v3r j00 dUM8A55 1f J00 d0'N7 waN7 70 83l13V3 17 7h3n pH1n3 1f 1 3v3R 533 J00 1 5haLL pUNCh j00 1N 73H PHac3

paullover: Sheesh, what is your problem? I'm going to fine you for a million yen! You owe me compensation for ruining the fun time we were having in the chatroom!

weakpkmnfail: 1 D0'n7 0W3 j00 AnY7h1n' J00 nu7caS3 N0W p1SS 0Ff

joyandjennyluvr: ... I'm going to flirt with Nurse Joy. There's no point in staying here.

*joyandjennyluvr has left the chatroom*

paullover: GEEZ! Anyway I will never believe you are really Paul because I know Paul would never do anything like this!

*paullover has left the chatroom*

pkmnmasta: Aww. Why did everybody have 2 go? =(

weakpkmnfail: Hey, if you want some great tips on Pokémon training, you should go to this site called 4chan. The /b/ board is full of great tips.

pkmnmasta: ... I'm not falling 4 that.

weakpkmnfail: 9ee2 J00 5Ux0R

*weakpkmnfail has left the chatroom*

pkmnmasta: What a creep.

*pkmnmasta has left the chatroom*


	11. Chapter 11

*Ash and co. are wandering around as usual in the middle of nowhere.*

Jenny: Halt! Hand over all your Pokémon, your money and your stuff otherwise I'll throw you all in jail for some made up reason!

Dawn: Can I at least keep my precious Piplup?

Brock: OFFICER JENNY! MARRY ME!!!

Jenny: Hell no! *blasts him with a faceful of Mace*

Brock: OH MY GOD I'M BLIND! MY EYES!!! Wait... what eyes? OH MY GOD I DON'T HAVE EYES? WHERE ARE MY EYES?! *runs off in search of his eyes*

Ash: Uh... I'm confused. Oh well, that's nothing new.

Jenny: Now hand over everything you have!

Dawn: D=

Ash: It must be one of the Team Rocket disguised as Officer Jenny! Officer Jenny would never do this! Pikachu, Thunderbolt!

Pikachu: PIKACHUUUUU! *shocks crap out of Jenny and sends her blasting off*

Jessie: Uh, we're right here.

James: Yeah.

Meowth: The heck is going on?

Ash: Ah! It's Team Rocket! Pikachu, use-

Meowth: Wait! There's something I need to say first! Pikachu... I am in fact madly in love with you!

Pikachu: Pika pikachu pi!

*Meowth and Pikachu have a romantic embrace*

Everyone else: DUDE, WTF?!

Ash: Pikachu, what are you doing? *pulls Pikachu away*

Jessie: Meowth, that is so not right! *pulls Meowth back*

Pikachu: PIKA!!!

Meowth: PIKACHU!!!

James: I think we should take Meowth to hospital. Those blasting offs must have damaged his noggin.

Dawn: Why is Pikachu acting this way?

Ash: I bet Team Rocket did something! It's all their fault!

Jessie: Has it occurred to you that we're not responsible... oh, screw it. He never listens. Let's just go.

*Team Rocket leaves*

Pikachu: ;_;

Ash: It's okay, Pikachu! We'll get you to a Pokémon Center and cure you! Where's the Pokémon Center anyway?

Dawn: Beats me. Doesn't Brock have the guidemap?

Ash: Where did he go anyway? We'd better find him...

*Ash and Dawn wander off in search of Brock and end up walking around for a few days, completely lost. Finally, they collapse, utterly helpless and starving*

Dawn: I... can't... move... anymore...

Ash: My... stomach... is... growling... food... need... food... where's... Brock?

Dawn: Do we have any edible Pokémon?

Ash: ... Buneary might make a good pie... I wonder how Staraptor tastes...

Dawn: Maybe it tastes like chicken...

Ash: Pachirisu?

Dawn: Ew, no. Nobody eats squirrels...

Ash: Well... let's eat Buneary and Staraptor then.

*Some time later, Ash and Dawn are off again and they finally find a Pokémon Center.*

Ash: Great, now Pikachu can be cured! Isn't that great, Pikachu? ... Huh? Hey, where's Pikachu gone?

Dawn: I dunno...

*Elsewhere*

James: Holy crap! Meowth is gone!

Jessie: Bollocks. And we'd just formulated a brilliant plan to capture Pikachu too.

James: Meh, who needs him anyway?

*Jessie and James hunt down Ash and Dawn, who are now wildly searching for Pikachu*

Ash: Team Rocket! You stole Pikachu, didn't you?

Jessie: Huh? But that's what we were about to do...

James: We haven't done anything yet!

Ash: Yeah right! I'm sick of you guys stalking me all the time and trying to steal Pikachu! You know what? I'VE. HAD. IT. *whips a gun out of nowhere and shoots Jessie and James dead*

Dawn: What are you doing? We're going to get cancelled now! Nintendo doesn't want bloody violence in an anime based off their family friendly franchise!

Ash: Screw them. I'm sick of playing nice.

Random Generic Looking Character: Can you please help me? My Skitty is stuck in a tree!

Ash: Hell, no. I've got better things to do like finding my Pikachu. Get lost.

RGLC: WAAAAAH! *runs off crying bitterly*

Dawn: I've always wanted to see that happen. Awesome.

*Ash and Dawn continue the search for Pikachu, eventually finding him in a loving cinch with Meowth somewhere*

Ash: OH MY GOD! Don't worry, Pikachu, I'll save you!

Dawn: ... It needs saving? o.0

Pikachu: Chuuu...

Meowth: Can't you see that Pikachu and I are in love?

Ash: Yeah right! You must have brainwashed it! *shoots Meowth* It's okay, Pikachu, you're safe now.

Pikachu: ;_; *commits suicide somehow*

Ash: OMFG PIKACHU NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Dawn: Oh great, the mascot's dead. Yep, we're definitely cancelled.

*Meanwhile...*

Brock: WHERE ARE MY FRIGGING EYES?!?!?!?!?!?!


	12. Chapter 12

*Ash and co. are randomly wandering around as usual*

Ash: Man, it's hard to believe our travels are almost over...

Dawn: I can't believe I actually used to keep Piplup in its Poké Ball.

Brock: I can't wait to stalk you to the next region, Ash...

Ash: Huh? What was that?

Brock: *coughs* I said I can't wait to talk to you in the next region.

Ash: *confused* Um, okay then.

Dawn: I wonder what I'm going to do next.

Misty: Oh, that one's easy.

Ash: Misty? Why are you here?

Misty: *sighing* Am I not allowed to come and see my friends once in a while? For that matter, why haven't I actually come over to Sinnoh? Have the writers forgotten about me?

Dawn: Um... what's going on?

May: Hey, I'm here too! Anyway, you're going to leave and be replaced with a new girl.

Misty: Hurts, doesn't it?

May: Now you can feel our pain.

Dawn: o.o;

Misty: Of course, nothing comes close to the pain of not appearing in over four years.

May: The writers love replacing us girls like we're trash, you know.

Brock: Is the next girl an adult? Please say she's an adult!

Ash: Are you kidding? The writers would never have me travel with an adult...

Misty: In your dreams, bozo -_-

Brock: T_T

Dawn: Um... so, what's the new girl like?

May: Oh, she's right here.

Iris: Hi, my name's Iris! Isn't my non-Japanese name just so cool? They don't even have to change it for the dub!

*Ash, Brock and Dawn stare at Iris, completely speechless*

Misty: They are taking it well..

May: I know, right? And I thought the purpose of switching us girls out was to bring in fresh eye candy or something.

Misty: Eye candy for drunk people, maybe.

Ash: Uh... what's with that hair? Did you steal it off a Zoroark or something?

Dawn: This is the new girl they are replacing me with? Seriously?

Iris: I love hair! I can't get enough of it! Phew, it sure is heavy though. Hope my neck doesn't break under all the weight of this hair.

Brock: Um, can anyone hear chirping?

Iris: Oh yeah, that's the birds. They love nesting in my hair.

Ash: D= Oh man... I've got to travel with this thing? Is it really human?

Dawn: I can't believe I'm being replaced with this abomination... ._.

Jessie: Hey, brats! We've got an announcement to make!

Ash: You're not going to follow me to Isshu? =D

James: Um, actually, we are. That's the announcement.

Meowth: We're going to spend another four years harassing you brats and trying to steal Pokémon and making unnecessary appearances! Woohoo!

Ash: D= ... does anyone have a gun? A very big gun?

Misty: Here you go.

Ash: o.0;;; Where did you get this from? ... Now I can't decide whether I want to use it on myself, the abomination or Team Rocket.

Misty: Hell, just take them both out.

Brock: Hey, guys, I've got news for you.

May: What is it?

Brock: I'm not going to Isshu. Not with that freak around. I bet she could suffocate someone with her hair.

Ash: Oh, I'm sure you'll turn up anyway...

Brock: No, really. I'm not even on that leaked character sheet. I may really not going to Isshu for some reason.

Ash: D= You're not going?! But I'll starve! You can't leave me alone with that freak! Please! Don't leave me! Or... or... I'll kill myself! *points gun at head*

Iris: Hey, guys, guys! Some of the eggs in my hair just hatched! Check it out!

Misty: Oh, give me that gun. *snatches it and blasts Iris away* There, that's better.

May: Whatever are the character designers on?

Brock: I think they were probably drunk.

Jessie: I wonder if we'll ever get sick of trying to steal Pokémon.

James: After all these years? Yeah right...

Meowth: We're so pathetic.


	13. Chapter 13

Misty: Whatever shall we do today?

Tracey: I want to draw nude pictures of Professor Oak!

Ash: Hey, why didn't Professor Ivy just mail the GS Ball to Professor Oak anyway? How come we needed to come and get it?

Misty: Because she's a complete moron, that's why. Now look what happened... we're stuck with a Professor Oak fanboy and your irritating Lapras. If I have to hear its annoying screechy voice one more time, I swear I'm going to...

Ash: Like your demonic Togepi is any better?

Misty: How do my arms not get tired carrying this stupid egg everywhere? I should just put it in a Poké Ball already.

Tracey: Hey, check out my nude drawing of Professor Oak!

Ash: *passes out in shock and falls into the ocean*

Misty: I'm going to be sick.

Tracey: Hey, I even made up a haiku! Wears a white labcoat, Professor Oak is the best, I love him so much.

Misty: Can we change the subject to something else? Ooh, I know, can we talk about Lorelei?

Tracey: Lorelei?

Misty: Hot woman with huge boobs and glasses? Man, her boobs were so big. I can't stop thinking about her amazing boobs.

Tracey: Oh, I thought her name was Prima.

Misty: Uh, no, that was 4Kids being stupid. You know, the morons who gave you a bad pun for a name?

Tracey: *angst* My name really sucks...

Misty: I wonder why Ash hasn't come back up yet.

Tracey: Maybe he couldn't.

Misty: *grabs Tracey by collar* If anybody asks, Ash was eaten by wild Pokémon and we were miles away when it happened. Understand?

Tracey: o_o;;; Y-yeah.

Misty: Good. Now let's get to the nearest island, kill Lapras, eat some ice cream and steal a boat.

Tracey: *gulps* Sure.

*At the Pokémon lab on Valencia Island*

Brock: You called, Professor Ivy?

Professor Ivy: Brock, let's not deny it. There's something between us and has been for a long time now.

Brock: ... Oh my, do you mean...? But...

Professor Ivy: No buts, Brock. I know you want this as much as I do.

Brock: Is this a dream?

Professor Ivy: No, this is real. *embraces him*

Brock: Professor Ivy... *runs hand up her leg and freezes* I-is that what I think it is?

Professor Ivy: ... But I thought you knew ever since that time you asked if I had a Metapod under my dress or if I was just happy to see you.

Brock: ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Some strange looking place*

Ash: Huh? Where am I?

Disembodied voice: Welcome, Ash Ketchum. You have arrived in the realm of the dead.

Ash: I-I'm dead?! That can't be! If I die, the show will be cancelled!

Disembodied voice: Good for you then this is really just the creation of a crackbrained webmistress with nothing better to do. Here's an interesting fact. The program she is using does not think crackbrained is a typo. Isn't that weird?

Ash: ... Um, right, but how did I die? The last thing I remember is seeing... *shudder* Um, forget it. Did I die from the shock of seeing such a nasty picture or something?

Disembodied voice: No. You passed out and fell into the ocean and your so-called friends made no attempt whatsoever to save your life.

Ash: I don't believe it...

Disembodied voice: You have two choices. You may pass on to the afterlife, or return to the living world as a ghost.

Ash: I'm gonna go back and haunt Misty and Tracey for the rest of their lives.

Disembodied voice: Okay then. Have fun.

*A random island. Misty and Tracey are cooking and eating meat.*

Tracey: These Lapras steaks taste kind of weird.

Misty: Well, it's better than eating fruit. I'm sick of eating fruit all the time. *sigh* I miss Brock.

Ash: D= I can't believe they are eating Lapras... ok, time to haunt them.

*The bucket of water sitting by the fire suddenly overturns and all the water puts out the fire*

Misty: o.o

Tracey: o.o

Misty: Did the bucket fall over?

*The bucket goes flying into Tracey's head*

Misty: o_o;;;

Tracey: OH MY GOD! IT'S A POLTERGEIST! WE'RE DOOMED!

Misty: Wahhhhhh! *runs for it*

Tracey: Wait, don't leave me! *is tripped up and falls face down on ground* Noooooooo!

Ash: Heh heh, this is fun. >=D

*Misty, meanwhile, steals a boat and sails away as fast as she can, to Trovita Island*

Misty: Since Ash is no longer around, I guess I'll have to settle for that guy who actually has feelings for me...


	14. Chapter 14

*Several characters are sitting around a table. Present are Gary, Misty, May, Max, Tracey, Brock and Dawn*

Brock: Wait, why are we here?

Dawn: Yeah, I mean we were just barely booted off the show.

Misty: Like it or not, you're part of us now.

Gary: As new members of the Union of Neglected Characters, you are expected to attend our regular meetings where we will group together and whine endlessly about how we hardly ever appear anymore, if at all.

Dawn: Well, I'm sure I'll at least show up in Best Wishes... I hope.

Brock: I'm not sure my chances are good. Oh well, everyone was sick and tired of me anyway. The way they act, you'd think I spent every episode kicking Growlithe puppies.

Misty: At least you don't have a horde of psychotic fans who declare I'm appearing in the anime every time a Pokémon I happen to own is said to be making an appearance. Sure, I appreciate my fans, but some of them just scare me.

May: Having to be your replacement was not fun. I was getting hate mail and death threats for weeks. *shudders*

Gary: You know, Dawn, they don't even have contests in Isshu.

Dawn: Oh? Well... maybe Team Rocket will invite me to a fake Togekiss festival instead.

Max: Does anyone even care about me?

May: No.

Max: *sniff* You don't need to be so blunt. ;_;

Tracey: I didn't even get to appear in Pallet Town this time. ._. And Oak went to Isshu without me. *sniff* I feel so unloved!

Dawn: I wonder what Ash is doing right now.

*In Isshu*

Ash: What, you mean you don't have a bike that my Pikachu can "accidentally" fry to a crisp?

Iris: o_o What did those bikes ever do to your Pikachu?

Ash: Beats me. Well, at least you're not a co-ordinator. I was getting so tired of sitting through those crappy contests. Wait, what is it you do?

Iris: I'm totally not the possible final gym leader or anything. Don't think that. And by the way, if I happen to get a ridiculous pun for a name in the dub that's a blatant reference to dragons, it's a coincidence.

Ash: I see.

Dento: Hey, has anyone seen my sclera?

Ash: Uh... who are you again?

Dento: Me? I'm Brock replacement Number 2.

Ash: Oh thank god, he's finally stopped stalking me. But why can't I have a male travelling companion with normal eyes? Oh, wait, there was Tracey, but he wasn't exactly normal.

Team Rocket: Surprise! We're here to steal your Pikachu and stuff. Oh yeah, and we're serious business now.

Ash: Serious... business?

Jessie: Yes. According to the first couple of episodes, anyway.

James: That means we're going to be much less pathetic.

Ash: ,:/ You... less pathetic? WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *passes out from lack of oxygen*

Meowth: Stupid twerp.

James: It's too bad we had to dump our Pokémon.

Jessie: I miss Wobbuffet...

Meowth: If we're being more serious now, does that mean I can't have boss fantasies?

James: You know... being serious all the time isn't that great.

Jessie: Yeah. Let's hope it's just a passing phase.

Iris: What is up with these weird hair accessories I wear? Is it supposed to be a ribbon or what?

Dento: Man, this babysitting stuff is going to be crazy, isn't it?


	15. Chapter 15

Dento: I totally don't have the hots for Ash. Not at all. I just like invading his personal space... that's all.

Iris: Ash is so mature! *swoons* He's not childlike at all!

Ash: Gee, I'm bored...

*Suddenly, Ash's new rival pops out from behind a tree*

Shooty: Hur dur. My name is Shooty. Because I shoot pictures with a camera. Get it?

Dento: What were his parents smoking?

Iris: It must have been some serious crack.

Ash: But how did they know he was going to like taking pictures?

Iris: Um... they met a psychic?

Dento: What bad taste.

Shooty: *sniff* I hate my name. It's so lame. I'm totally lame.

Ash: Yeah, you really are. I miss Paul...

Shooty: Should I just kill myself right now?

Ash/Iris/Dento: Go ahead.

Shooty: Fine. *leaves*

Ash: If I have to lose to this guy multiple times before finally beating him in the Isshu League, I'm so going to bust a gut.

Dento: Actually, Isshu is called Unova in English now, so we must use that name.

Iris: Unova? Are you serious?

Dento: Yeah...

Ash: Man, even Nintendo of America is bad at naming things.

Iris: Yeah, that name totally doesn't make me think of vulva...

Ash: What's a-

Dento: Say, Ash, why don't we go into those cosy bushes over there and do... things, if you know what I mean? *drapes himself all over Ash*

Ash: Having my personal space being invaded like this isn't so bad.

Iris: Oh, get a room...

Ash: But, wait, what about getting to the next town-

Dento: We'll be back later. *drags Ash off into the bushes*

Iris: *climbs up into a treetop* Hey, this is a pretty nice view.

*Somewhere else*

Jessie: Oh dear, my joints are rusting up again.

James: Life isn't easy as a robot.

Jessie: Yes... I wonder what happened to those flesh beings we were made to replace?

James: Who cares? We must only talk about our jobs.

Jessie: Of course. Since we aren't human beings. We are merely robotic drones.

Meowth: I have a question. How in the world did I agree to getting rid of that balloon modeled after my image and getting a boring new one instead?

Jessie: Because you're a robot too. Duh.

James: Now let's go call up the boss and find out what our next mission is.


	16. Chapter 16

Brock: *sob* I can't get any women...

Misty: I want purple hair. Has anyone got purple hair dye?

Ash: Oh my god, Misty! You want to kill yourself?!

Misty: Uh, no, I actually MEANT dying my hair purple...

Brock: What if I had a sex change operation and tried to get men instead?

Tracey: Stay away from Professor Oak. He's mine.

Brock: … He's all yours... and I'm gonna go have a sex change operation now. Bye!

Gary: He could just try bag a gay guy...

Ash: It's Brock. You expect him to make sense?

Brandon: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Dawn: Oh, it's that guy who totally isn't Paul's dad...

Reggie: Of course not. Paul's dad is Satan. We're half brothers.

Paul: You're a jerk and I hate you! *runs away crying*

Tracey: I want to marry Professor Oak!

Gary: Can I kill him?

Ash: Sure.

Gary: *grabs a rifle and blasts Tracey full of holes*

Tracey: Ooh... I'm full of holes... like swiss cheese... *falls over and dies*

Rudy: Misty! Marry me!

Misty: Get lost, you boring old bag of barf.

Rudy: *sobs* But I can't live without your love!

Gary: Dude, you want to marry her? Are you a pedo or something? She's ten!

Rudy: OH MY GOD. I'M IN LOVE WITH A TEN YEAR OLD. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? *commits suicide*

Unova Joy: Why does everyone keep crying in fear when they see my cute little Audino? It's cute, isn't it?

Max: OH MY GOD. IT'S GOING TO STAB ME IN MY BED.

May: What the hell is that thing?! It's so creepy!

Brock: NURSE JOY! … Huh, you look different.

Ash: I thought you went to get a sex change operation.

Brock: Did I? Guess I changed my mind...

Unova Jenny: I'm putting all those creepy ass Audino under arrest for giving little kids nightmares. Hand it over.

Brock: Hey, Officer Jenny! I'd sure like to stick my Metapod in your Leavanny if you know what I mean. *wink wink*

Unova Jenny: *maces Brock*

Brock: AUGH!! NOT AGAIN!!!

Iris: (to Ash) You traveled with this freak?

Ash: Hey, he stalked me. And he kept me fed anyway.

Cilan: How did he wink if he doesn't open his eyes?

Ash: Um... a wizard did it?

Officer Jenny: Ew, what's with those Unova Jennys' short hair? Gross...

Nurse Joy: And I can't believe those Unova Joys have such creepy looking Pokémon...

Gary: I've just realised I might not appear in the anime again for a long, long time. I want to die...

Tracey: Braaaaiiiiinnnns... *om nom noms on Gary's brains*

Ash: What the hell?

Misty: I thought the water tasted funny...

Brock: Who could have done this?!

???: Prepare for trouble!

???: Make it-

Max: Why are you using a motto you haven't used in years?!

Jessie: Uh, because we like it.

James: Yeah, the newer mottos just aren't the same.

Meowth: Oh boy, I can't wait to see what crappy motto TPCi will write for us in Best Wishes. Or Black and White. Whatever the series is called now.

May: Black and White? Wow, that's so creative.

Ash: Wait, so you spiked the water?!

Jessie: Actually, no, we just felt like appearing and saying the motto all of a sudden for no reason.

James: Yeah, we don't know who spiked it.

Max: Heelllllp! *is chomped on by Gary and Tracey*

May: I think we've got a problem...

Misty: So who spiked the darn water then?

???: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*Suddenly, Misty's Togetic appears, laughing evilly*

Misty: Togetic? You spiked the water?

Dawn: *sees Piplup being chomped on by the zombies* Aaah! Zombies ate my Pokémon!

Brandon: Man, you kids are useless. This is how you deal with zombies. *chops Gary, Tracey and Max's heads off with an axe*

Togetic: No! You have destroyed my zombies! Curse you!

Trip: Yo, it's me, Ash's lame new rival with a new name.

Ash: ... Trip?

Cilan: Are you serious?

Iris: So now it's not only your parents who are on drugs?

Trip: Ooh, pretty colors... I'm so high... oh god, I suck so much...

Togetic: Get out of here, loser. *blasts Trip with Aura Sphere, reducing him to nothing*

Iris: I'm so glad my name wasn't changed...

Cilan: You do know our names were decided by Nintendo of America, not TPCi, right? Which would explain my name not sucking.

Iris: Oh yeah. Thank goodness for that...

Ash: Um, aren't we going to do something about Togetic?

Dawn: Well, at least my Togekiss isn't evil. *sends out Togekiss*

Togetic: Gasp! Not my evolved form! I... I'LL BE BACK! *leaves*

Dawn: Well, that was easy.


	17. Chapter 17

Ash: Walking around and doing nothing is great. Let's just spend time taking in the scenery and forget about getting to the gym. Who cares about gyms?

Cilan: Why the hell is my name pronounced sy-lun? It's supposed to be from cilantro, which is said see-lan-tro. Geez.

Ash: Has anyone noticed I seem to be suffering from constant flashback syndrome? It's weird.

Pikachu: Pika!

Ash: Hey, Pikachu, do you remember the day we met? *goes off into a flashback*

Cilan: And "it's time for the battle to be served" sounds so lame... "It's tasting time" was way better...

Iris: Why do you sommeliers or connoisseurs or whatever go on about tasting Pokémon anyway? It's not like you actually eat them...

Cilan: Or do I? *eyes glint and he smiles darkly*

Iris: O_O

Ash: Whoah, a random Pidove! I remember when I caught my Pidove... *flashback*

Cilan: Uh...

Iris: What is wrong with him today?

Ash: Seriously, I can't stop flashbacking.

Iris: You're such a kid!

Cilan: Flashbacking is childish now?

Ash: Geez, will you quit it with that already?

Iris: No. You're such a kid, you're such a kid, you'resuchakidyou'resuchakidyou'resuchakidyou'resuchakidyou'resuchakidyou'resuchakid-

Ash: SHUT THE #&%$ UP! *punches Iris in the face*

Cilan: Oh dear... *facepalm*

*At the Pokémon Center*

Ash: Oh cool, a Pokémon Center. Maybe I should call that guy I used to call all the time... come to think of it, why did I stop?

Iris: Because you suck.

Ash: Geez, what crawled up your ass and died? Oh, wait, could it have been that time... *flashback to punching Iris*

Cilan: Did we REALLY need to see a flashback to something you did just a short while ago?

Iris: This flashback thing is getting really out of hand.

Ash: Yeah, well, maybe I'll just go call him... what was his name... Professor... oh yeah, Professor Oak...

*Ash goes to phone and calls Professor Oak*

Professor Oak: Ash! Why haven't you been calling me?! You used to call me every day instead of your own mother! I've been missing hearing every useless detail about you getting badges or seeing Pokémon, even though I never really give a damn! I'm just pretending to! Is it because I've been screwing your mom?

Ash: ... You're screwing my mom?

Professor Oak: *sob* And you've even been calling Professor Juniper? I don't understand! Is it something I've done? How can I make it up to you? Whatever it is, please forgive me!

Ash: ... ... ... What does screwing mean?

Professor Oak: Just talk to me, Ash! That's all I want!

Ash: ... ... ... Sorry, but you're kinda creeping me out. *hangs up*

Cilan: Who is that guy?

Ash: Oh, he's the Professor who gave me Pikachu... *flashback*

Iris: You had that flashback right at the beginning of this chapter!

Ash: I know....

Pikachu: Chu. *facepalm*

Cilan: Gee, I'm bored. I wish someone would pop out of nowhere with a Pokémon for me to taste.

Iris: For the last time, stop saying "taste"! You're not about to eat them! Geez!

Ash: I remember the good old days when Team Rocket used to pester me all the time and constantly try to steal Pikachu... no wait, those weren't good at all. Thank god they stopped.

Pikachu: Pika!

Iris: ... This is going nowhere.

Cilan: Maybe I'll try to solve the mystery of why my brothers have sclera and I don't...

Ash: Maybe you're adopted?

Iris: I don't even know if I have family. ._.

Ash: Yep. You're the new Tracey.

Iris: ;_; Noooo... wait, who's Tracey again?

Ash: Exactly.

Cilan: Ooookay... o_0


End file.
